Back to the Basics

Over the past week, my life has resembled the travel scenarios from the movie "Planes, Trains and Automobiles". Needless to say, I am glad to be back at home with all my creature comforts. I experienced a lot of different emotions over the past week, and the following post is truly a jumbled collection of them all.

Part 1: Emotional Eating
This holiday season was my first since by WLS in January 2012, and it was definitely a learning experience. There were days where I ate really well. Then, other days when I ate okay with a few splurges. Prior to the holidays, I had done a lot of planning. Written down recipes, and even made a few low carb, sugar free mini cheesecakes to take with me to my family's home in Iowa. Yet, life happens, and in the middle of last week my 90 year old grandmother unexpectedly ended up in the hospital with a grim prognosis. I hastily left the Twin Cities and my well planned meals flew out the window. Once I arrived in Iowa, chaos ensued: a massive snow storm, power outages, my grandmother's surgery, hospital food, and high emotions. In the midst of the chaos, I realized how much I love Starbucks (due to its absence) and their lovely WLS friendly mochas. This was one of those situations where I once again realized that I still turn to food to cope with my emotions. For example, one night I bought an egg nog in the hospital cafeteria. I told myself that it was Christmas, and I could have this little splurge. I told myself I would use it instead of milk in my coffee. But, instead, I took a sip. It tasted so good, I took about five more sips. Thankfully, I was able to pull myself back out of the fog of delusion and throw the remaining amount away. And, sure enough, no more than ten minutes later, my heart was racing, I was dizzy, and hot - oh, so very hot. Dumping. Dumping. Dumping. Cause and effect - you eat something crappy, your body will react accordingly...

Part 2: Dealing with Physical Change and Going "Home"
For the past ten years, I have lived in Minneapolis. During this time, I have been heavy - very heavy to heavy. Just varying degrees of fat to put it bluntly. I have always struggled with going home to Iowa because the majority of people who once knew me, knew me as "normal sized" not morbidly obese. It was awkward to see people, I tended to keep my eyes down to avoid recognizing people - not wanted to say "hi" only to be met with looks of bewilderment, leading to my explaining who I was, etc. Now, I am struggling with the opposite. I look normal. I actually want to run into people. I want to see them. And, it makes me sad. It makes me sad to remember how much I would hide to avoid people. When I was home this time, I wanted to go out - hoping to run into my former classmates, friends, enemies - frankly anyone, just to say "hi." On the other hand, people who had known me want to know how much weight I have lost and talk about it. This is wonderful, but I also feel a lot of shame about how much I weighed. It's so odd - being so happy to look the way I do now, but yet, ashamed about my appearance over the last ten years.

Part 3: Guilt, Self Acceptance, and Worthiness of Love
My grandfather got remarried recently, about a year after my grandmother's death. In moving on with his life, he gave back all the family photos he had of his seven children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. This big box of photos was at my parent's house, and I had an opportunity to look at them during my time at home. These photos, many of which I had never seen, provided me an opportunity to look at myself over the past 32 years (through the eyes and lens of my grandparents' camera. Many of which were quite unflattering). Something very striking was how they provided an account of my weight struggles, the up and down throughout my childhood, then the up, up, up of adulthood. There was a full length photo of me after graduating from law school that took my breath away - because I looked so uncomfortably large. So swollen. So unhealthy. I don't remember being that big. I remember being fat, but not that fat. It was so painful to see. I really had a hard time to be recognizing myself. I also saw a photo of myself with my former fiance. My face looked so young, but again, didn't realize how large I was. (Even when I married my now husband, a few years back, I was huge.) How could he really love me? I kept asking myself. How could my current husband love me? I was huge, I was so big, I was so unworthy... how could these two men (former and current loves of my life) actually love "that version" of me? The answer, as difficult as it is for me to believe, is that they always could see me. The real me. Not just the exterior package. They loved me for who I was, not how big or small my pants were. They saw and loved what so many people could not see; what so many people looked past because of the packaging. And for that, I am truly thankful. They are better people than I ever have been. They loved me, even when I didn't love myself.

Warm and Tasty - Turkey/Spinach Hotdish with Mock Mashed Potatoes

This combines some of my favorite things - creamy mock mashed potatoes (cauliflower) and crumbly, yummy turkey. I have been low on iron since my surgery, and this is a great way to weave in some delicious iron rich spinach. Also, I struggle to get veggies - which this dish combines the two (cauliflower and spinach). You could throw in some cooked carrots, zucchini, or other favs. Make it your own.

Here is a casserole/hot dish (I live in Minnesota) idea that I tried last night, and it turned out pretty tasty:

Mock Shepard's Pie with Spinach

Ingredients

1 bag of frozen Cauliflower (cooked according to package directions, and drained)
1/2 c. Ricotta cheese
4 slices of Provolone Cheese
1/2 grated Parmesan Cheese
3/4 to 1 lb. ground Turkey
1/2 to 3/4 c. frozen spinach (I used Earthbound Organics Frozen Leaf Spinach)

1. Combine cooked/drained cauliflower, ricotta, and salt/pepper to taste in a food processor. Blend until creamy.
2. Cook ground turkey and frozen spinach (until crumbly).
3. Pour cauliflower/ricotta blend into a round pie dish or 8x8 glass dish. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes.
4. Remove cauliflower/ricotta blend from oven and top with turkey/spinach mix. Sprinkle Parmesan over the top, then top with provolone cheese.
5. Bake for 45 minutes at 350.
6. Cut and serve (or in my case, let it cool - put in the refrigerator for lunches)

This is a Freaking Marathon

I have to remind myself more often than not that having WLS is not like joining Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, or any number of diets that I have tried over my lifetime. Instead, it is a life long commitment. A marathon, not a sprint. Tomorrow will be my 11th month post surgery, and the thick of the holiday season. This past weekend I made two "real" kinds of cookies with my toddler - and managed to only eat about one and a half. I still don't feel hunger, which is quite typical with the gastric sleeve, but I have head hunger. This is something that the holidays brings out in me with a vengeance. I have tended to deal with my emotions nearly my entire life by consuming food. I tend to be uncomfortable with strong emotions, and it tends to make me feel better to eat. Well, this is something I have spent a lot of time dealing with prior to surgery, but post-surgery, I realized that I still have a lot of work to do on this issue. The holidays are a wonderful time, but they also involve dealing with family and friends. This is both good and bad - as we all have our triggers - sometimes caused by a person, people, or situation. Needless to say, this time of year is troublesome. Also, it is a time of year where I have always allowed myself to overindulge. A bite here, seventeen bites there, a whole plate of cookies here, a big glass of full fat and sugar eggnog over there, and the list continues. Therefore, I am acutely aware of this tendency and trying my best to overcome it - developing strategies to cope. One of which is my over reliance on sugar free coffee drinks, but this is better than a whole bucket of ice cream. Right now my favorite is the sugar-free mocha or sugar-free peppermint mocha (iced) with extra ice and light whip from Starbucks. It costs a ridiculous amount of money, but those $4+ are worth it. I can drink it all afternoon, get my milk in, and also feel like I am having a delicious treat. I also have discovered sugar free starlight mints from Walgreen's - the Walgreen's brand. They taste great, not chemically - but, maybe it's my alerted taste buds playing tricks on me. As for coping, I often hear other WLS patients talk about transfer addictions. Some people sadly become chemically addicted. Others start smoking. While others, "fill" their void with something else - crafting, shopping, exercising, etc. And, after my rambling, I again, have to remind myself that this is a marathon. This is a life long tool and journey that I am just learning how to master - okay, not master, just survive. Here's to running a good race.

Recipe Trial

Last night I had planned to try the Peppermint Protein ice cream from Egg Face, unfortunately, I did not put my Kitchen Aid Ice Cream maker bowl in the freezer ahead of time. Therefore, that one has got to wait. Instead, I played around with the Peanut Butter Cookie recipe I tried the other day (mentioned in the earlier post). I wanted them to be "less dry" and have more flavor to them than peanut butter. I added about a 1/4 cup to 1/2 cup of 2% Fage Greek Yogurt to the dough. This created a creamier consistency, and a bit ot tang that cuts the heaviness of the peanut butter. Also, I substituted about half the peanut butter with Coconut Peanut Butter (crunchy) to give the cookies a bit more flavor and textual variance. And, finally, I chopped up (just broke it down with my fingers) a Russell's Stovers Sugar Free Dark Chocolate bar, and added it to the dough. They were delicious, and much more like a real cookie. Here is my newly "mixed up" recipe:

1/2 c. Coconut Peanut Butter (chunky)
1/2 c. Peanut Butter (I used creamy, but chunky would be great as well)
1 c. Sugar Subtitute - I used Tru Via (Stevia)
1/4 - 1/2 c. 2% Plain Greek Yogurt (I used Fage)
1 - 2 tsp Vanilla Extract
1/4 c. Egg Beaters (I ran out of eggs last night and had to improvise)
1/2 lg Russell Stovers Dark Chocolate Bar - chopped/chunked

Mix everything except the chocolate chunks until creamy. Then, fold in the chocolate chunks. You may want to refrigerate the dough to firm up it's consistency. You can also proceed without refridgeration as well - just know that the dough will be a bit sticky. Form small ball, and slightly flatten to bake. I used my cookie maker (7 - 8 minutes) or you could use your oven (10 - 12 minutes at 325 degrees). If using the oven, I would definitely use parchment as well. Cool on a rack, then package in an airtight container. 

Trying out Egg Face Candy Cane Ice Cream Tonight

Tonight I am going to be trying Shelly's Candy Cane Protein Ice Cream with a few variations of my own. Check out The World According to Egg Face. I have put the recipe below. http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/ . I will give you my feedback tomorrow.

Shelly's Candy Cane Protein Ice Cream with my variations...
1 cup Regular Milk
2 scoops of Vanilla Protein Powder
2 Tablespoons Sugar Free Peppermint Syrup1 Tablespoon Sugar Free Candy Cane or Sugar Free Starlight Mints, crushed

Mix together milk, protein, SF peppermint bits and syrup.  Toss it in a blender on super high. You want it fluffy almost double in size. Pour into ice cream maker. Follow your machine's instructions for freezing. You can eat it right away it is soft serve-ish.

The Scale

Since I have struggled with my weight for the majority of my life, I find the scale both an enemy and a friend. When it is going down, a friend - a best friend. When it is going up, a mortal enemy - trying to steal any self esteem I have left. During this process, I have gone through phases of weighing myself everyday with glee - only to lead to near panic when the numbers became stuck at points, the dreaded plateau. Recently, I have been continuing to lose weight slowly, which after the early months post-surgery when the weight rapidly disappears, is anxiety causing. Because of this, I have been trying to maintain a healthy view of this weight loss slow down - as my bariatrician put it, "you're still losing" which made me feel better. Sometimes the old habits of fearing the scale start to take over if I haven't weighed myself for more than a week. In the old days, I just would have avoided the scale and continue the denial that I wasn't "that fat." Whereas now, I try to maintain the mindset that this is a marathon not a sprint. This is a lifestyle, not a fad diet. I have to be accountable to myself. Therefore, last night I resolved to weigh myself this morning. With butterflies in my stomach and waives of anxiety starting to chip away at my resolve, I stepped on the scale. I kept telling myself that no matter the number, it is a new day - a new moment, and I must deal with whatever the scale tells me. And, that the number on the scale - whether up or down is not a reflection of my self worth. Instead, it is a marker of where I need to be. No matter the number, today the scale fell in my favor. As of today, I have lost 131 lbs which is mind blowing. Another day I will talk about how this number is a source of pride and shame for me, and I think this may be true for many others like myself. But, like I said, let's save it for another day.

Holiday Cookies - High Protein, No Sugar

This week at work, I will face one of my biggest food challenges. They have an upcoming Goodie Day - featuring a full day of snacking at every desk, cubicle, lunch table, kitchenette... basicially everywhere I go in the office there will be food. And, from what I am told, it will be delicious food. In preparation for this day, I will likely pack my lunch and take a whole bunch of walks - outside of the office. I also plan to make these sugar free, gluten free cookies with my new cookie maker. For an early Christmas present, my husband bought me a cookie maker - basicially a waste of money if it were full price - but on clearance for $14.99 it was a fairly good deal. It allows me to cook seven small cookies at a time. I think it will be great for cooking some of the protein cookies I have tried in my oven (without success). I tried these this weekend and have been pleasantly surprised at how good they turned out. Don't worry if you don't have a cookie maker gadget or an easy bake oven, you can make these in your oven as well. I would use parchment or a good non-stick cookie sheet, just to be safe.

(FYI - I don't typicially eat gluten free. I tend to steer clear of carbs, not all - but I watch them).

Peanut Butter Gems

1 cup of Granulated Spenda (or Pure Via - I like this much better than Stevia in the Raw)
1 cup of Peanut Butter (I have used both Simply Jif, and the all natural refridgerated PB)
1 egg
1 - 2 tsp of Vanilla (really it's to your taste, I like more - so I use more)

Mix Splenda, Peanut Butter, and Egg until well blended. Add vanilla. Form into small balls and press with fork to create traditional PB cookie "look." I used a small/mini ice cream scoop. Bake for 10 -12 minutes in a 325 degree oven. Or, if you have an awesome cookie baker like me, cooke for about 6 to 7 minutes. Cool on rack.

If you make 24 cookies - which I made many more in my tiny cookie maker - they have about 4 grams of protein a piece. You could up this by adding some vanilla protein powder. Could being the optimal word.

Recipe of the Day - WLS Friendly - Skinny Nog

As part of this blog, I will be listing recipes that I have tried/tweaked/turn to. Many are my own, some are variations of recipes from others, and some are variations of old favorites.

Given I am in the holiday spirit, let's chat about Egg Nog. As a child, and up until last year - okay even now, I have quite an affinity for Egg Nog. My favorite has always been Anderson & Erikson (it's an Iowa thing) Egg Nog. It is so creamy and Delicious... I actually began craving it following a Thanksgiving visit to an Iowa grocery store (no Minneapolis store carries the brand).
I have found a lot of recipes online for lite egg nog, and I have tried most of them it seems. To be honest, my favorites have been the ones that call for the use of Sugar Free/Fat Free Vanilla Instant Pudding. Here is my version and current go to snack this holiday season:

Ingredients

1 cup of 1% or Skim Milk
1 - 2 tablespoons of Sugar Free/Fat Free Vanilla Pudding (I prefer Jello brand)
Sprinkle of Pumpkin Pie Spice or Nutmeg (to taste)

Combine the milk, pudding mix, and spices. Mix together well, I have found a mini-cocktail whisk or a pair of chopsticks work great. Taste. If you want it more "eggnoggy" add more pudding mix, if you want it more spicy, add more PPS or Nutmeg. Enjoy.

One quick thing = you can add a bit of vanilla whey protein if you wanted to amp up your protein intake. I personally have struggled with drinking milk since my surgery, it just doesn't sit well with my stomach, and fortunately, this is a method I can tolerate the milk.

Okay, one more quite tidbit - if you don't drink it right away - say come back in 10 - 15 minutes, you will have a glass of vanilla nutmeg pudding awaiting you.

Check on this quick history of eggnog while you enjoy yours (or you can Google it): http://www.kitchenproject.com/history/eggnoghistory.htm

Nearly 11 months later...

On January 19th, 2012, I underwent weight loss surgery (the vertical sleeve). 11 months later, I have lost close to 120 pounds. And, I wish I had begun writing sooner. There have been lots of hard moments over the last eleven months. Lots of tears. Lots of unacknowledged anger bubbling to the surface. A whole lot of stuff that I didn't see coming. And, now, there is an emptiness inside that I need to fill. I once filled it with food, and now, I am struggling to find the filler. I am also coming to this moment due to fear. There is a great fear that lingers with me at all times - the fear of failure. So I begin. I begin to tell my story, and hope that I can help anyone else who stumbles upon this "place."